#NSS個人
[Guest] Sorry that I say this in English cuz it makes me more comfortable to say what I’m feeling right now. I’m not trying be to brag and I’m sure that there must be a lot of typos and grammatical mistakes cuz I am exhausted.
I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling right now
It’s like there’s literally nothing really bad happened though I just feel a huge, deep hole in my heart
I feel so empty and hollow
Jezz I don’t even why I’m still living
Being stuck in the cycle of being depressed and get some tiny little hope then disappointed over snd over again
I’m just tired man
I don’t believe in religion when they say that god lives everyone bilibala
If that’s true then I don’t even know why is he putting me in this hell
I know it sound pitiful though I just want some attention or even love from someone
Anyone
I enjoy joking around and making people laugh but that’s just because I feel recognized and valued.
Don’t say shit like “oh you need to find your confidence from yourself ”
I would if I can
I want some deep talk bro
Like real deep talk
I can talk about my feelings and whine about basically every detail of my life
And you will listen to me quietly and give me a hug
I know my boyfriend tried his best (he can’t see this post)
He comfort me when he realized I’m in a bad mood
Though there’s no chance for me to really talk about how much I loathe myself and my life
How many times I thought of jumping off a random building and end everything once in for all
He has his own trouble too and he just can’t comfort me as much as I needed and I get it.
I’m needy.
It’s unbearable.
It’s so bad that I need to read some stupid ass romantances to satisfy my need for love by looking at fictional characters getting affection.
Reading is really my escape
I can for once forget all the shitty things that has happened in my life and threw them in the back of the truck.
But bro you know what
I bet no one is gonna read all of my negative shitty thoughts so that I can comfortably say it all out
Tbh I don’t even know how to express emotions anymore.
I’m so fucking depressed
I’m so fucking good damn sad though I don’t have a single tear
I know it would be better for me to just cry it out but I just can’t do it
I don’t even know if I have the ability to cry and vent in front of people anymore
I just don’t like it
Being looked at and stared at while expressing the true self
But at the same time I want affection
Wtf what a contradiction
Even I feel hilarious.
Jezz i don’t know
I can’t immerse myself in the fictional world forever and I know that.
Though every time I wake up I feel the black hole in my heart is sucking every bits of my soul everyday.
I’m sick of it
And I’m so sick of listening to people saying that they are SUPER DEPRESSED though they don’t even know how painful is it for me to live through just one day without thinking of killing myself
They do t even know how hard I tried to just get up from my bed and go to school everyday talking to the class teacher that loathe me and bearing all the tiny little dark thoughts that can slowly push me to the edge of dying.
And I have to comfort them
What a joke
I’m the joke
Suicide is my plan B
When I encounter things that I feel like unsolvable
I’ll do it
Don’t tell social workers plz
I hate them